Kauai & Pregnancy Update!

We were so lucky to be able to plan a week away from everything before we have this little girl. #milesarethebest & we were able to stay with some family friends that made our trip so perfect. Thank you Warren's! Seriously loved having a place to come back to, be given all sorts of wonderful tips, and have a few homemade meals. 

Can't believe I was in Hawaii and 29 weeks pregnant. It was pretty great, and I think my body really needed the sleep. I haven't slept so well in a week, and that's what parent life is all about I guess. Haha, but for this pregnant mama that's what one of my favorite things were.

How Far Along?
29 weeks! Ahhh.

Baby Size: Size of an Acorn Squash / 15.2 inches / 2.54 lbs

I basically ate way too many fresh fruit snow cones while we were on the island. No regrets at all! If anything, we should have had more.
Always willing to eat pizza, we ate it twice this week!

Sciatica pain strikes again on my left leg the most.
The hardest for me is experiencing SPD (you can google that). It is painful to get up, turn in bed, walking down stairs, etc.
I've found helpful ways to deal with it, but it hurts on the daily, and some days I can't do much.
I'm definitely more of a waddler, I think it's worse this pregnancy.
I had some fun swelling in my feet while traveling, but thankfully that went away after our plane ride!
Only mild heartburn so far this pregnancy, YAY!!! Maybe baby girl won't have as much hair as Peter.

Highlight of the week was definitely being in Hawaii with Taylor.
It was such a blessing to be alone together for the first time for this long before we have two kiddos. We missed Peter like crazy, but it was much needed.

Loved seeing turtles night and day! It was so fun to see such big turtles pretty close.

Taylor went on an amazing hike, but it was way too slippery for me, and everyone said I shouldn't go on it.
I hope to go back to this island one day when I am more able to adventure!
I laid on this beach and waited for him while he hiked. I'd say it was a win win.

We had such great weather, and only were rained out one of the days. I love the views of Hawaii, and I especially loved taking landscape pictures.

Went on a hike that was a bit slippery, but we went super slow, and it wasn't too bad! Then watched Taylor jump into the waterfall, and he did it for a while. It looked super fun, and was so beautiful there.

Evidence we love pizza, two different pictures above, and swimming was my saving grace for my pain at the end of the day. Passion Fruit shaved ice. I hope we can recreate this somehow one day.

Went golfing with awesome views and great prices! Felt proud I had a few good shots.

Pretty awesome rainbow trees we saw on a walk. They look like a painting!

Our favorite stop for fresh fruit snow cones. Loved every single one we had!

Didn't know this was quite a walk to get to, and I was legit frightened walking down to see Queen's Bath.
It was near sunset, so the waves were crashing in, which is kind of the point of the place.
I made sure we stayed farther back, because the tide was actually pretty high.

Our favorite activity together was definitely the helicopter ride! We had clear views and some clouds at the end, but we were able to get out on one of the best days. I almost threw up by the end, but it was breathtaking. Hard to take photos on a helicopter, but so glad we were able to still have so many pictures from it. Some of my favorite views I've seen!

This is the waterfall from Jurassic Park! We were able to go way close, which isn't as common.

See you again one day Kauai! I can't wait to come again, and we can't wait for our baby girl in a few months!


What it's like to go through a miscarriage. and how you can help!

Photo Taken at Milford Sound. Fitting because any trial can feel like a bit of a storm.

I'm writing this because it just feels good to talk about the very best, and the hard things in life. We can all learn from them, and I have found a lot of comfort from those that have written about the subject.

We decided on a whim that maybe it was time to think about adding a little sibling to the family for Peter. I was able to get pregnant right away, and we found out I was pregnant as early as we could have. Went and peed on a stick, and there was the positive sign! I couldn't believe it. So many emotions, it was so crazy this would be happening again, and it was so fun to immediately start talking to each other about how Peter would be with a new baby brother or sister when it came time. We cleared out a whole bedroom, knowing that Peter would move from the nursery into there. Taylor had some free Freshly Picked shoes he could pick out, and we picked some out for the baby that was coming. Blue little moccs, and they are so cute and tiny.

The due date landed exactly on valentines day! It was so fun, because Peter was born on Christmas, and we couldn't believe it was possible to then have this baby on the holiday of love. Just perfect timing. Peter would be just over 2, and it was happening before I would be photographing during the busy wedding season of summer. My pregnancy symptoms usually start out with exhaustion. Pure exhaustion. It really is kind of crazy, because I felt like I could go to bed for the night at 5pm. I never felt nausea, but I didn't make it to 8 weeks, so I just felt like that would maybe come later.

We were a week away from surprising everyone with the news when I miscarried.

I started having some spotting. I didn't even think anything of it because I had spotted with Peter (and I swore I had mild cramps too), and he arrived here safe and sound. I told Taylor not to worry, and everything would be fine. Cramps then started coming, nothing super painful yet, and I just brushed it off. They lasted throughout the night, and I had to war a pad. I never soaked through the pad, and when morning arrived, I was done cramping.  I called my Dr's office just in case, but I really didn't think it was a miscarriage. They told me to come in, and so I did. We did a vaginal ultrasound, and the doctor couldn't see anything from it. He said that I either had already miscarried, had an ectopic pregnancy, or that I wasn't as far along as I thought. I could rule out the third because I definitely knew when I conceived. Once I left the doctor, I was a bit worried that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I was pretty sure I hadn't miscarried yet, but I just had to wait.

I ended up miscarrying that night. I arrived to my sweet friends house, and I felt something fall out of me. I went to the bathroom, and there it was. Some people miscarry differently, and it all comes out slowly. Mine came out all at once, and it was very startling. It is also undeniable. You will know if you miscarry. I was honestly shocked it had just happened, and it was a little hard to process that night. I was full of emotions, but didn't get home until late, so I didn't tell Taylor until right before he went to work. Which was a hard conversation to have, and I was so close to just keeping it to my self for a bit.

If you do miscarry, be prepared for lots of blood draws, and a doctor's office that isn't sure how to say I'm Sorry when they tell you it was a confirmed miscarriage. That whole process just feels so cold. But maybe others will have a better experience.

I might also just add in a little tidbit that sometimes guilt might seep in. I started feeling guilty I was working too hard, or that I wasn't getting enough rest, and that's why I miscarried. Or that I wasn't taking a prenatal before I became pregnant. Or that my body was just too messed up from labor & delivery with Peter. Everyone told me that it wasn't a viable pregnancy, and that miscarriage would have happened either way. But it's super easy to ignore that, and just think of all the ways you did wrong, and made the miscarriage happen. I just tried to take care of myself, treat my body right, and remember things I should do for the next time.

Miscarriage for me has a lot of ups and downs. I was grateful it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, sad that February 14th, 2018 wouldn't be a due date for my child. During all of this, my body had just felt like it went through labor.  I do like talking about the miscarriage to others because it felt like it happened. And we can't truly get over something unless we acknowledge our pain, and talk about it. We were so ready for that baby to come, but then we never were able to have that chance. We lost a baby we didn't yet know. But it still felt like a loss, and us humans usually do share when we have a big loss in our lives. So sharing I am to celebrate the life I did have in my body for those 7 weeks.

Did you know you actually can go through the same postpartum depression after a miscarriage that you can when you have a baby? I didn't know that, but my hormones were crazy, and the loss of the baby consumed my every thought. I had a pit in my stomach for a straight two weeks, and I was pretty good at holding it together, until the times when I just couldn't anymore. I felt like I was still just going through the motions of life, but all I wanted to do was sit down and think about what I had just lost. It is so hard, and I didn't know it was quite like this until I experienced it. & I definitely had a form of depression. I had just started my maskcara business, that I absolutely loved, and was in the middle of wedding season as a photographer (which I love too). While I knew why I wanted to do those things, and how grateful I was to be able to make an income in ways that I did genuinely love, I didn't care about it. I didn't care about much of anything in my daily routine besides my family. I wasn't doing what I should be doing, and I felt like all I could think about was that loss.

Honestly, what got me out of it? Going to church (being religious in some way), finding strength in talking about it. Deciding to do one fun thing each day with Peter. Posting about maskcara and getting in a routine of taking care of my face and putting makeup on honestly helped me feel good about myself, and it felt so good to apply this makeup to others for them to see their beauty. I found being busy in photography forced me to not pity myself in my thoughts, and wish for that due date to still be real. I started my prayers each night by thinking of what I was grateful for that day. I'm not going to lie that my grief is over. I think it takes time.

 I think it's important to know that everyone has a different timetable of healing, and if you know someone who goes through something like this, just know putting a bandaid on it after just a few days, can feel very painful to the person going through it. Don't get mad at them for not getting over it soon enough either. Let them feel the pain, and let them take time to heal from such a loss. It still hits me in waves, and is just a really hard emotion to process even now. My biggest advice to anyone that has someone struggling with anything (including miscarriage), is to connect with them somehow. Validate what they are going through, and bring it up when you are in conversation. I know maybe there are others who don't want to talk about it, but then you probably wouldn't know about it anyway. So if you know, they are probably the type that wants that connection, and wants to not go through it alone.

Also, if someone has unfortunately suffered from multiple miscarriages, or not being able to become pregnant, I can only imagine how much deeper and harder that pain must be inside of them. I can't fathom what that is like, but be delicate, and helpful, and connect with them too.

We know we will have more children in the future, and we are so grateful for the support we had when we told people about the miscarriage. So thank you!


Our Fun Winter!

Peter's birthday was celebrated Christmas morning! I made him this healthy cake, and also Cinnamon Rolls for everyone else, as well as a breakfast casserole. I thought it was a great start to our Christmas day. People always moan to us how much Peter will hate his birthday in years to come, but I also feel like maybe that would be the case because of everyone's attitudes towards holiday birthdays. We can still make them special, and the day he was born was definitely an extra special gift for us. He really got into the cake as you can see below. 

His cousin Ernest, wanted to get in on the action of eating cake too!
He isn't quite sure what this whole opening gifts thing is, but I think he liked his gift!

We visited Thanksgiving Point because we have free passes this year (thanks husband for being awesome). Peter is obsessed with animals, so it was a lot of fun!

Cute kid at church. Hanging out with Sterling, one of his favorite people to see each week! He's a hoot. Always gives peter a roll of smarties that we just end up throwing away later. 
Dressed up as nephites and lamanites for the ward Christmas party! It was a lot of fun!
The bachelor party before Kollyn got married.
Peter became so sick this winter, and it was so sad to see! He was pretty lethargic, sleeping a ton, but so thankful it didn't get terribly bad. 
Out cold in the middle of the reception. Taylor left the reception early because Peter was not feeling good at all. Poor sick kiddo! It was so hard at night, and he just wanted to sleep with me during the day. So hard to see your child sick.

As you can see from his facial expression, Peter is really n love with driving through Christmas lights!
Obsessed with dogs, and kitties. Talks about them all day long.

Also loves birds, wild and domesticated.
His new lounging position while playing in his crib when he should be going to sleep.
His favorite puppy!

Peter was really good at feeding the ducks. We saw lots of dogs there, and he had such an amazing time running around the boardwalk. Everyone loves Peter!
Our rock climbing while mom is working! So glad these boys have so much fun together. And look so cold!
Went to the Celine Dion concert for my Christmas gift, and it was amazing! She seems like such a sweet, good person, and the concert was phenomenal. Amazing to hear her perform in person, her voice is stunning and powerful. 

I attended a photo conference this winter, and it was so much fun! I love spending time with new friends, and seeing longtime ones. What an incredible community!
Oh ya, dancing with someone I don't know, but having a blast of course!
Every night Taylor reads Peter his bedtime book. "It's time to sleep, It's time to sleep" ....we have it memorized :D 
Currently loves getting into clothes, and taking big bites!
Taylor falling asleep watching his favorite thing: Basketball. He even said he wasn't tired haha.
Exploring the snow, and hanging out at home.
He loves smiling and leaning to one side while he is eating. It feels like he is trying to show his love, and we LOVE it.
Wow! How can life get any better?!